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kurt_kober's scratchpad

by kurt_kober (Chaplain)
on Jun 08, 2004 at 12:46 UTC ( [id://362309]=scratchpad: print w/replies, xml ) Need Help??

Unhappy Hour
By Kurt Kober

Why should I fear death? If I am, death is not. If death is, I am not. Why should I fear that which cannot exist when I do?
-Epicurus, philosopher (c.341-270 BCE)
 

George scanned the menu. "I'll have the 'I threw myself off a parking structure custard.'"

"Excellent choice, despite the fact that it doesn't rhyme very well. Anything to drink with that?"

"What's The Use Orange Juice?"

"Great. All right, then. Be right back with your order." Dr. Lithium Alpha disappeared into the kitchen.

The guy next to George spoke up. He was having My Failure is Complete And Utter Toast With Butter with Why Am I Here Beer. "Hey. Don't I know you?"

"I don't think so."

"Naw, I know you. You're Ira Bilder. You worked at Speculum Consulting. Remember? It's me. Ed Grebstein!"

"No, I think you have me confused with somebody else. I'm George Washington, the first president of the United States."

"No way."

"I cannot tell a lie."

"You look like Ira Bilder."

"Perhaps. But I am George Washington."

"You don't look like George Washington."

"Correction: I don't look like what you think George Washington looks like. But I am, in fact, George Washington."

"I gotta hear this one."

George sighed. "I threw a silver dollar across the Potomac River. The effort of that motion fractured my clavicle. A microfragment of bone found its way into my bloodstream and lodged in my brain. A blood clot formed and several hours later I died from a stroke."

"I thought you died of old age."

"Can I finish? Is it okay if I tell this fucking story?"

"Sorry."

"After I expired, Ben took a piece of Betsy Ross's uterus and cultured it with a thin sliver of my left nut and placed it in a jar full of urea. He attached it to a kite and flew it in a thunderstorm. The lightning supermagnetized our RNA and strangely enough formed a kind of sentient electroteratoma that matured rapidly overnight. By morning there was a new George Washington running around. And THAT's the motherfucker on all the money. A big-ass electric mutant cancer complete with Betsy Ross's big fucking nose. I'm tellin' ya, the whole thing weirds me out to this day."

"Betsy Ross had a big nose?"

"Like a fire hydrant."

FIN

Copyright © 2002 Kurt Kober



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