The Perl Gods have said that the Perl interpreter is the best way to interpret Perl, so I'm still thinking that something that works with that would work better. After some testing though, I've discovered that the Safe Module will not do what I wanted.
What we really need is the perl -c command function. I know nothing about the guts of perl, but there should be someway to access this. Do any of the Perl Gods have ideas?
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