This would be a great solution, but I'm not on Apache. I'm on a really old Netscape Server and as far as I know (from the one old manual I still have), there's no htaccess file in this web server. And I don't have that module and its just easier to assume I'll never have it.

I don't want to come off as a total naysayer, these are good ideas and I appreciate them, I'm just trying to work within the restrictions that I know I have to work in.