Nah, if the boyfriend isn't there he just jumps straight in for the touch. Some careful evaluation is needed if the boy's there tho.
$beer starts off way too low. We'll never get the possiblity of a slap from a journalist that way. Needs something to bump it above 6 first.
is $suspicions assumed to be a negative number if "neutral" ? Makese sense then I guess... but maybe while $suspicions-- could work too. Print a counter release until suspicions have been settled.

Oh, and yes, very funny :)