Golf:

# ASCII specific
print"SQQS"^"aaaa"
#23456789012345678
#        1
[download]

update: If we don't care about strict we can do:

print+SQQS^aaaa
#23456789012345
#        1
[download]

Not golfing:

use LWP::Simple;

print get("http://perlmonks.org/?node=TMTOWTDI+the+new+year!")
                                    =~ /printing "(\d+)"/;

# or

print y/a// for qw(aa bb bb aa);

# or
[download]

update: Oops. I didn't type kill in here orginally:

print kill($$-$$,@$_) for [$$,$$], [], [], [$$,$$];

# or 

use Fcntl qw(:seek);

print SEEK_END, SEEK_SET, SEEK_SET, SEEK_END;

# or

$_ = "weirdness";

print y ueuu, y fuff, y sfss, y esee;
[download]

#!/usr/bin/perl -l

print

  bulldozer_("   _                       _          | two
 _ __   ___ _ __| |_ __ ___   ___  _ __ | | _____   |
| '_ \ / _ \ '__| | '_ ` _ \ / _ \| '_ \| |/ / __|  | thousand
| |_) |  __/ |  | | | | | | | (_) | | | |   <\__ \  |
| .__/ \___|_|  |_|_| |_| |_|\___/|_| |_|_|\_\___/  | two
|_|

                      ")               ;sub#marine)
        bulldozer_{ #"=.
$_                   =                 length shift;
$_
--+$_
--+$_
--+$_
--+$_
--+$_
--+$_             }#_bulldozer
[download]

A string (the 2002 banner) constructed with figlet and vi is passed to a function named bulldozer_, which takes the length of it and repeatedly adds that number to itself while decrementing it by 1 each time. The result of this construct is passed back to the original print statement.

$==$';$;||$.|$|;$_='*$(^@(%_+&);@-);~~,.*+,./|);;;~~@-;#~~;#@-;#@-;#~~
+@-__&$#%^';$__='`'&'&';$___="````"|"$[`$["|'`%",';$~=("$___$__-$[``$_
+_"|"$___"|("$___$__-$[.%")).("'`"|"'$["|"'#").'/.*?&([^&]*)&.*/$'.++$
+=.("/``"|"/$[`"|"/#'").(";`/[\\`\\`$__]//`;"|";$[/[\\$[\\`$__]//`;"|"
+;#/[\\\$\\.$__]//'").'@:=("@-","/.","~~",";#",";;",";.",",.",");","()
+","*+","__","-(","/@",".%","/|",";_");@:{@:}=$%..$#:;'.('`'|"$["|'#')
+."/(..)(..)/".("```"|"``$["|'#("').'(($:{$'.$=.'}<<'.(++$=+$=).')|($:
+{$'.$=.'}))/'.("```;"|"``$[;"|"%'#;").("````'$__"|"%$[``"|"%&!,").${$
+[};`$~$__>&$=`;
[download]

print  --$|+$|.$?.$?,$?.$?.$|+$|--
[download]

Did someone say symmetrical?

print !$!+!$!.$$*-$-.-$-*$$.!$!+!$!
[download]

andy.

#        1         2
#2345678901234567890
print"$^F$[$[$^F"
[download]

Silly, and for a limited time only:

@foo = split' ',scalar localtime;
$bar = pop @foo;
print ++$bar;
[download]

--
I'd like to be able to assign to an luser

Update: the following looks betterprint eval join'+',map{ord}split'','MerryXMAS&&HappyNEWYEAR!'

gkinueliileunikg

Very nice! Maybe put the greeting first?:

$_= "MerryXMAS&&HappyNEWYEAR!"; s/./"+".ord$&/ge; print eval,$/
[download]



  p

perl -e '$_=sprintf("%d",pack "H*",b).unpack "H*",b;m/\d$/;$b=$&;m/^\d
+/;print "$b$&$&$b$/"'

perl -e '$a=unpack("H*",d)-unpack "H*",b;$b=sprintf"%d",pack"H*",b;pri
+nt "$a$b$b$a$/"'

perl -e '$b=$a=ord(b)-ord(a);print++$a,--$b,$b,$a,$/'

perl -e '$a=@{[a,b]};$b=@{[]}; print "$a$b$b$a$/"'

perl -e '($a=$%)++;print ++$a,$%,$%,$a,$/'
[download]

 _  _ _  _  
(_|| | |(_|><
 _|
[download]

#!/usr/bin/perl -l
eval join "", map { chomp && chr length } <DATA>
[download]

print length('  '),length('');
print length(''),length('  ');
[download]

print tr/w//<<!$, for qw(two thousand and two)
[download]

perl -le '$_+=$_++;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_++;$_+=$_--;$_+=$_
+--;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=$_++;$_+=++$_;$_+=++$_;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_--;$_+
+=--$_;$_+=$_++;$_+=$_--;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=$_--;$_+=$_++;$_+=--$_;
+$_+=++$_;$_+=--$_;print'

perl -le '$_+=$_--;$_+=$_++;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_++;$_+=$_--;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_
+--;$_+=$_++;$_+=$_++;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_++;$_+=--$_;$_+=++$_;$_+=--$_;$_+
+=$_--;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=$_++;$_+=$_--;$_+=++$_;$_+=++$_;$_+=++$_;
+$_+=--$_;$_+=--$_;print'

perl -le '$_+=$_--;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=$_++;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_++;$_+=--
+$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_++;$_+=$_--;$_+=$_++;$_+
+=$_--;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=$_++;$_+=$_++;$_+=$_++;$_+=--$_;$_+=--$_;
+$_+=--$_;$_+=--$_;print'

perl -le '$_+=$_--;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_++;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_
+++;$_+=$_--;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=++$_;$_+=++$_;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_--;$_+
+=$_--;$_+=$_--;$_+=$_--;$_+=--$_;$_+=$_--;$_+=--$_;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_--;
+$_+=++$_;$_+=++$_;print'
[download]

perl -le '$_+=++$_;$_+=++$_;$_+=++$_;$_+=++$_;$_+=$_++;$_+=++$_;$_+=++
+$_;$_+=++$_;$_+=--$_;$_+=--$_;print'
[download]

perl -e '$_++;print "$_$_"*ord("\a")*ord("\r")<<$_'
[download]

It should work perfectly the first time! - toma

s|^$|$^|s;
s|.|..|g;
s|.|s///g|ge;
s|..|$&.reverse.$/|e;
print
[download]

#000000000000001234567
>perl -e"print 4004>>1"
[download]

perl -le"print $^F,$|,(@_=($|.. ~~ map ord~$_,split//,~$^)[$|,$^F])"
perl -le'print $^F,$|,(@_=($|.. ~~ map ord~$_,split//,~$^)[$|,$^F])'


perl -le"print $^F + join'',$^F,$|,($|.. ~~ map ord~$_,split//,~$^)[$|
+,~$0]"
perl -le'print $^F + join"",$^F,$|,($|.. ~~ map ord~$_,split//,~$^)[$|
+,~$0]'

## works sometimes
perl -e"$a.=$_ for unpack 'c*',~$^V;@ARGV=sort(split//,$a);map pop, $^
+F+$^F..$#ARGV;print pop,shift,shift,pop"
[download]

perl -le"print $]<<$^F,$[,substr$]<<$^F,-2,1"
perl -le'print $]<<$^F,$[,substr$]<<$^F,-2,1'

perl -le"print $]<<$^F,$^F>>$],$^F>>$|"
perl -le'print $]<<$^F,$^F>>$],$^F>>$|'
[download]

 

______crazyinsomniac_____________________________ Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. perl -e "$q=$_;map({chr unpack qq;H*;,$_}split(q;;,q*H*));print;$q/$q;"

Your submission is interesting but don't follow the rules given in the root node: no numbers. Anyway happy new year to crazyinsomniac too :)

gkinueliileunikg

$|++;$_="+++++[>++++++++++>++<<-]>.-
-..++.>.";tr/-+,.[]<>//cd;for$a(qw%]}
[while($p[$p]){ -$p[$p]-- +$p[$p]++
,$p[$p]=ord(getc) .print(chr($p[$p]))
<$p-- >$p++%){s/\Q${\ substr$a,"foo",
$|}/${\substr$a,$|};/g}eval
[download]

++ vs lbh qrpbqrq guvf hfvat n ge va Crey :)
Nabgure bar vs lbh qvq fb jvgubhg ernqvat n znahny svefg.
-- vs lbh hfrq OFQ pnrfne ;)
    - Whreq